Suffocate
by Sadistic Empress
Summary: He had always hated him. But, as time moving on he was slowly falling in love with him to the point it suffocated him…
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first attempt on writing shonen-ai fic. So I apologize if there's any misinformation below because it has been a few years since I last wrote my ff. =_="**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica and Junjou Terrorist...**

* * *

He had always hated _him_…

But…

As time moving on…

He was slowly falling…

Falling in love with _him_…

To the point it suffocated him…

* * *

"_Sensei, I love him!"_

He still remembered of that incident a few days ago. He remembered how Miyagi had earnestly introduced him as his lover in front of his deceased sensei's grave. And somehow it left him felt touched and assumed that their relationship would progress next.

However, it did not go as what he had expected.

It did not progress even further as what he had assumed.

It was proved by how Miyagi had constantly back home late at night. 'Maybe he is regretting it…' The light-brown-haired boy shook his head furiously, shaking the thought off his mind. 'No, it should not be…' He continued to chop the cabbages to pieces – preparing dinner even though he knew that the older man would be back late.

Again, while frying the cabbages, his mind kept on having thoughts on how he should counter the problem. He wanted to know the tru-

Yes, he knew he was a bit selfish…

He knew he was a greedy brat…

But…

It was not wrong to hear it again from Miyagi to confirm one more time whether he made the right choice or not…

The thought made him paused for a moment then he scoffed. "The right choice or not?"

He continued his task at hand but this time not so gently. "From the start he had made the right decision. The decision to be responsible of me falling in love with him! Hmph!"

When he noticed that the stir-fried cabbage had turned into somewhat a nice colour, he turned off the stove and transferred them to a plate and served it on the table in the living room.

His mind unconsciously reeled back at the thought…

But…

The reason why Miyagi agreed to be responsible…

Isn't it because he forced him…

Shinobu felt a sharp tug inside his heart. 'Does that mean Miyagi is not willing since the beginning?'

He sat at the couch and turned on the television before him. However his mind kept on wandering on the thought again.

'I forced him to?' For some reason, he began to feel guilty.

No! He did not FORCE Miyagi, right?

Miyagi was the one who was willing to!

He threw his gaze out to the window and looked up at the white full moon that rose above the clouds.

But how far did he know Miyagi's feelings?

He felt his eyes began to water at the thought. He was about to wipe away the unshed tear when there was a sudden creak of the door being slowly opened by none other than the black-haired professor, who had his coat on his arm and his tie loosened. He seemed to be extremely exhausted and was about to step into the living room when he halted in his step.

There, in front of him, was the youth who kept on appearing in his mind from time to time. He glanced towards his wrist-watch and surprised to see that the boy was still up even though it was already so late.

"Why are you still awake by this hour?" Miyagi placed his coat and briefcase on the couch not far from Shinobu while unknotting his tie.

"And how about you? Where were you until this late at night?" The older man gulped at the words the brown-haired boy threw towards him.

"Well, I am an adult, so it is none of your business, brat." Miyagi turned his back to the now flaring Shinobu, unknown to him, and was about to stride to the bathroom when suddenly his briefcase came flying and smacked on his back. This made him halted and slowly turned his head to the boy who by now was as red as tomato, holding back his anger.

"What the-"

"Brat?! So I am still a brat in your eyes, then! Ha!" Shinobu let out a sad laugh then abruptly stopped. Miyagi was surprised to see the sudden change in his young lover.

"Shin-"

Shinobu covered his face with a hand and with his head hung low, he let out a choked sob. This made Miyagi's heart pained at the sight of him and was about to advance towards him, when Shinobu suddenly looked him in the eyes.

That look of his…

Miyagi gulped.

He did not like that look of his…

That sad look of his…

A sad smile plastered across the boy's face.

"Let's just…"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here's another chapter for Suffocate...Hope you enjoy... :)**

* * *

It was just like a déjà vu…

There he was, lying on his couch while trying his hardest to concentrate on reading the book in his hand, _again_…

But this time, instead of pondering on the absence of Shinobu-chin, he was pretty well informed of the later's whereabouts, so as not to have him anxious again.

However, much to his dismay, he did have anxiety mixed with the guilt. The guilt of having to witness his lover's tears. And the cause to those tears were him.

He let out a desperate sigh and sat up, grabbing his phone from the coffee table before him. Before he punched in the numbers, his mind wandered for a while to yesterday's incident.

* * *

**Flashback;**

_That look of his…_

_Miyagi gulped._

_He did not like that look of his…_

_That sad look of his…_

_A sad smile plastered across the boy's face._

"_Let's just…"_

_The boy wiped away the tear that managed to escape through the corner of his eye and he looked away from the old man before him, before continuing in an audible whisper._

"_Let's just not meet for a while…"_

_There was a long silence between them except for the frequent sniffles coming from the boy, who was standing before the older man, unmoved._

_It was as if he was hoping for something…_

_Something from him…_

_But the older man seemed to have no idea of what was it that he wanted from him…_

_When Shinobu noticed that the man before him was still frozen on his spot, he came to a harsh realization…_

_That it was not going to work out…_

_That it was his entire fault…_

_For being so selfish…_

_Without considering Miyagi's feelings at all…_

_Without wasting more time, Shinobu made a move. He advanced towards Miyagi and it caught him off guard. However what he did not expect was that Shinobu did not even spare a glance towards him as the boy walked past him, made his way to the bedroom and after a while, came out from the room, carrying his schoolbag and made his way to the entrance door._

"_I-I will be at my parents' home…just to let you know…" he whispered audibly before he stepped out of the house._

_And perhaps out of his life…_

_Miyagi however could not do anything. He could only watch his back as he quickly disappeared out of his sight. He could not register what just happened to both of them._

* * *

Miyagi threw the phone absently to the coffee table. "Shinobu-chin…If only you knew…"

Yeah, if only Shinobu had known of his feelings towards the boy…

He pinched the bridge of his nose as a headache struck him. If only Shinobu had known the sole reason why he kept on coming back late at night.

And the reason was that he-

_DING DONG!_

His breath hitched and his heart began to beat faster as he quickly made his way towards the door. Hoping that the person behind the door would be Shin-

"Professor Miyagi..."

His midnight blue eyes widened at the unexpected man before him. "Kamijou…w-what brings you here?"

The cinnamon-brown-haired man cocked an eyebrow at Miyagi. "What's with that disappointed look? Are you expecting someone else?" That sure did make the older man taken aback.

"N-not r-really…" He tried to look everything but Hiroki.

"Well, whatever…" the other guy muttered before reaching out to his pants' pocket and let out a familiar lighter.

"Hey, isn't tha-"

"Yeah, it is. I have been meaning to give you this back, knowing you would not be able to survive any minute without smoking. But…" He paused momentarily as his rusty brown eyes scanned Miyagi from top to bottom before continued, "I guess I was wrong…"

Until then, Miyagi came to realize that since yesterday, he had not been smoking.

Because his mind was full of that particular boy that he simply did not have time for smoking...

He suddenly let out a laugh which made Hiroki surprised at the change of reaction coming from the older man. "I guess I really do love you…"

_Shinobu-chin…_

"What the heck are you talking about?" Hiroki backed away from the guy, sweat-dropped at his sudden confession.

"Ah, sorry. It was meant for someone else…" A bright smile flashed across his face. "It's just that currently my mind seems to be full of him…" A slight red hue appeared on his cheeks.

"Oh, okay. I guess I take my leave then." The younger man then turned his back towards Miyagi and walked away quickly from there, with his mind recalled on the promised date he was going to have with his lover.

However unknown to them, a certain grey-eyed boy had witnessed the whole scene and ran away as fast as he could with tears ran down his cheeks.

* * *

Shinobu had gathered his thoughts concerning yesterday's incident and had believed that it was immature of him to not let Miyagi had any time for explanation. And that was why he went to Miyagi's in order to _discuss_ on the reason why he had come back late at night, only to witness _that_ scene in the end.

_I guess I really do love you…_

Until then he did not want to stay much longer and kept on running away until his legs came to a stop at a deserted park and flopped on a nearby bench. His mind kept on wandering.

"So he really loves that guy after all…" The sandy-brown-haired boy tried to wipe away the tears however it kept on running down his cheeks.

It was not like he did not notice that Miyagi had always constantly teased that guy. And even hugged that guy even though he knew deep down in his heart that it did not mean anything at all.

…or not…

"That damn old man!" He tried to strain the sobs from getting louder and louder any minute however to no avail as it came out as choked sobs instead.

Just why did not he notice those signs he had been giving away since the beginning…

The signs that he would not be able to return back his feelings…

Or rather could not…

Because his heart was belonged to another already…

And that there was no empty space left for him...

_What am I going to do from now on?_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Reminder to all - This fic occurs after the visit to the sensei's grave. And the characters might be too OC for you guys.. So hope you understand. Any reviews are much appreciated in a form of advice. However any flames, do PM me. Thank you. And sorry for the late update. *bows***

* * *

It was not like he had not tried to contact Shinobu. He did. Many times at that. However to no avail. Miyagi threw his phone to a nearby couch.

"What the heck is he doing?"

He let out a deep sigh. It had been a week since he last saw him. Not only he tried to contact Shinobu, he also tried to go to his school in hope confronting him and had a little talk with him. However, the little guy outsmarted him. He left the class in a hurry by the time the bell rang, as per mentioned by his classmates. Not only that, he left the school through the back gate.

A smart guy indeed. No wonder.

He shook his head at this. This time, he would surely be able to catch up to him to confront him. To ask him of the problem of why he avoided him.

_That's why right now…_

_In my chest…_

_A bitter feeling has been welling up…_

* * *

Although it was painful, Shinobu tried to restrain himself from meeting Miyagi.

_And eventually I hope that this feelings of mine would slowly disappear before I can prepare myself confronting Miyagi…_

He glanced towards his phone beside him. He switch-offed his phone so that Miyagi would not be able to contact him. Soon he might as well change his number and plan to submit a transfer letter to the dean of his school – he wanted to go back to his old school at Australia.

_And from him…_

Suddenly the scene from last week played in his mind. The laugh he let out at the sight of his colleague, the sudden confession to that guy, that bright smile he flashed after the confession followed by the slightly red hues on both of his cheeks.

He shut his eyes tightly, trying to make that particular scene go away and disappear out of his mind. But to no avail, as he already expected, he really did fell in love with Miyagi really deeply.

_What do I have to do to make you love me?_

It would be difficult for him to stop his feelings for Miyagi.

* * *

The 35-year-old man let out a relief sigh as he leaned back on his driver seat while keep on glancing at the back gate of Shinobu's high school. This time he would surely catch up to the little guy by appearing before him when he slipped his guard down. He stole a glance towards his watch and smirked. It was time. He turned off the engine of his car, made his way towards the gate as he kept an eye on every single person whenever he or she passed the gate.

It was a while before he spotted a familiar light-brown-haired boy and was about to make his way towards the boy but halted.

There, his little lover was walking his blonde friend. It was not just that. The only thing which made him stopped in his tracks was that expression his little lover showed to his friend.

_He was laughing brightly…_

_He wore a smile across his face…_

_As if…_

_He was in love with that guy…_

He felt a tight knot in his heart. Shinobu never showed that laugh at him. Shinobu never showed that smile at him.

Fuelled by his anger at the sight of them, he stomped towards the little guy and harshly grabbed the latter's wrist, making Shinobu turned to him.

It was evident that the little guy did not expect him to be there and able to catch up to him by how his grey orbs widened at the sight of him. Before he could registered what was happening, he was thrown off inside Miyagi's car.

"What the-!" He was cut off as he sensed the anger surrounding the older man beside him and chose to keep silent for the time being.

* * *

It was not like Miyagi did not know that Shinobu tried avoiding his eyes. Afraid to make eye contact with him. He let out a sigh and took a seat before the little guy.

"What is your problem, brat?" When he received no reply coming from Shinobu, he continued to pester him another questions.

"Why do you switch off your hand phone?"

Silence.

"Why do you stop coming here?"

More silence.

"And why are you avoiding me?" This time, he let out a whisper, as a sign that he became gradually tired of Shinobu's silence. But he waited, and waited in hope his little lover would give an answer. A few minutes passed but only silence hanging around the room.

When he was so sure that Shinobu would not give an answer, he then let out a deep sigh and was about to get up from his seat, when suddenly Shinobu decided to voice out his feelings.

"Let's just break up."

Before Miyagi could utter a word, Shinobu cut him off, "I'm such a fool. A fool for keep on waiting and expecting everything would go well between the two of us. But, every time you are gentle to me, is like thorn to me. Pricking me at both sides and keep on hurting me until I can't take it anymore."

The little guy finally met his eyes and a sad smile carved on his face. "That's why-"

"Cut it out!" The older man yelled, making the little guy inwardly cringed. Miyagi made his way towards Shinobu and pushed him down in the couch as he climbed over him.

"I'm tired of chasing you all around the world," he whispered audibly before claiming his lips in a passionate manner. Shinobu however tried to push him off but to no avail as the older man caught his wrists in his right hand, while his other hand snaked inside his shirt.

"Miyagi, stop it!" Shinobu cried out when he managed to pull away from the kiss, however the older man did not pay any heed at him as he continued down his neck.

_He did not want any more of this!_

_Doing this without love…_

A tear slipped through the tightly-shut eyes of the little guy, ran down his cheek, and dropped right on Miyagi's cheek, which made him stopped. He pulled away to find that his little lover was crying.

His heart tightened at the sight of him. He hated this. It was as if he was forcing him…

Miyagi slowly climbed off him and sat for a while before walking towards his room only to be back in not more than ten seconds with the car key in his hand. "Let's get you back home, Shinobu," he muttered gently with his head hung low, his bangs covering his eyes and walked out of the house.

Shinobu slowly sat up and looked upon his dishevelled shirt. He tried to wipe off another tear that managed to stream down his face when he heard his name slipped from his lover just now. It was nostalgic.

When he saw the back of Miyagi's just now, he could feel it. That deep down in his heart screamed that it was over between them. He could sense it when Miyagi did not even spare a glance towards him. At all.

And he began to regret this.

That their relationship was only for a short while.

He could no longer strain a choked sob from coming out of his lips.

_I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had,_

_But, I can't because this time I know you won't come after me,_

_And I guess that's what hurts the most…_

* * *

While in the parking area, the black-haired literature professor calmly walked towards his car with unreadable expression with so many things in his mind. After he sat in his driver seat, he paused for a moment before banged on to his steering wheel furiously.

"DAMMIT!"

_Haven't I treated you well?_

_Haven't I kept you close to my heart?_

_I thought for certain you had understood..._


End file.
